MY 'Challenges'

Its something a friend has been saying over and over again and  it's beginning to become an inner voice for me. 'Every second you're creating karma...', he says...and I couldn't agree more.

I know it sounds like a lie when you look yourself in the eye and tell the mirror...'You're fine.' I know it seems like a lie when you begin to tell yourself that you have the strength to face it all. You know you're lying. But here's the most wonderful thing... faith, like much else is easy to fake. Like they say, if you tell yourself a lie over and over...you'll believe its the truth.

My setbacks are not roadblocks. My sorrows, grief, disappointments aren't coming in the way of my progress...they are challenges. They're the bitter sweet instrument to teach me the fine art of living, to teach me to enjoy and cherish my life when it finally does blossom to its fullest. It'll get there. Soon.

I know its easy to get caught up in the moment. Some of us deal with these challenges with rage, some pretend like it doesn't bother us, some turn to friends for comfort..some of us might even drown ourselves in the bottomless ocean of self pity...here's the learning though.. no one can pull you out until YOU are ready to be pulled out. 

My way is to smile. I think a little part of me has begun to believe that I can trick my mind. When you tell yourself the lie about being happy over and over again...you do begin to believe it! And that...for me ...has become the trump card to face these 'challenges'. 

Really, its all in the fucking mind... one moment the damn thing is down and out..and in the second instant it sees hope..and just when you hit rock bottom.. you hear the words 'it can only get better from here', and you smile!

 Best part, you're not even faking this one!

Of kings and Queens

I remember as a child playing in the corridors of the palace. The palace itself, a wooden fortress, in the small town of kumarsain was a matter of pride for my cousins. My nani, was raised pretty much by Raja Badhyar singh, because he made a promise to my great grand dad by his death bed…that his wife and daughter would be looked after.

 Now, this may sound like its straight out of  a movie about jaydaad, and vaaris and what not..but my grand dad, in all seriousness took the raja’s vachan….and that’s the reason why the raja himself found a match for my nani in a 16 year old orphaned lad, Charandas mahant. She was 12..and remembers playing marbles with him, Only they didn’t use marbles…they used walnuts….from their own tree mind you!

You can see then, how this palace was important to my family. My nani’s grown up there, my own mum (the hottest 38 year old the world ever lost) ran about in the palace and my 12 and 13 year old cousins..until very recently studied in the palace foyer. A part of it was converted to a school.

I remember seeing the palace last year when we shot on the palace steps. A large part of my cousins and aunts and uncles, nani in the centre…posing for a family picture. To put it in perspective, this palace, The Hira Mahal…is what the gateway of India is to Bombay. I know, it serves a very inconsequential practical purpose…but it’s a part of its DNA. It’s like the mole I have under my right eye or the one I have on my left shoulder..you might consider it cosmetic….but they’d ask about it if they were identifying me…wouldn’t they?!

It’s in ashes now, this sprawling palace made of deodar wood. A short circuit started a fire that quickly spread through the corridors. The palace was on fire for hours. And the fire brigades that made a futile attempt to reach here from simla and rampur (both 2 hours away) were too late.

It’s in ruins now. A gaping hole at the very centre of the town. If you hadn’t seen it in all its glory, its hard to imagine why anyone would miss this thing really. From the day I arrived here, I’d been wanting to go in. I finally did manage to climb over the burnt wood, hoping it wouldn’t give way and send me tumbling down about 20 feet. My cousins followed me in, but only slightly. The main courtyard is massive. I remember going in once with mum to meet her friend, the princess. Now, I only saw an empty wooden chest which agreeably might have been full of riches at a time. The tulsi plant at the very centre has managed to come back to life, Kumarsain’s very own phoenix.. and the wooden steps that lead to the raja’s personal chamber are intact. I climbed down. Scared of the legend that the Raja’s spirit still lives here. Curious to see if he will greet me. Hoping he wouldn’t!

I’m not sure what this did for me. But I feel at peace. The place makes me sad every time I see it. And it scares me because my own aunts and uncles have heard shrill sounds of crying late at night from the ruins. I’m not sure if it’s true…one part of me hopes it is.

The palace has gone from being fact to legend. And legends are only complete with ghosts. I’m hoping for one here. The stories then, will live on. A part of the palace, with it.

 

Small town blues

I'm not sure you'll really understand this until you're in this situation...but for some strange reason...my cousin and me had been yeeeeeeearning to have ice cream for a long time while a little north from simla.

To put things in perspective, in the city...everything is available everywhere all year round. I'm talking about a place where ...asking for bottled water might be too much. And I'm not making this up, i was told water is "off season" when i asked for packaged water at atleast six stores in kumarsain! Apparently, people don't drink water in winters...and certainly not from a sealed bottle!

You can imagine our delight then, at holding three yummy baskin n robins cones in our hands! We even shamelessly asked the woman at the counter to take a snap shot of us eating the damn thing. She was more than amused! The ice cream...heaven!

It's fun living away from the city from time to time. it's good to take a break. But honestly, i do enjoy picking up boxes of cereal without having to check expiry dates...or eating stuff at 2 am..or ...you know ..doing other things you do all the time in the city. Bombay needs me. I can feel it more than ever! How the city survived without me for more than a month, i cannot imagine...but the saviour, ladies and gentlemen, is back!! haha!! ;)
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Roadtrip...in a bus!

My bag is stuffed beneath my seat. It's a big bag mind you. My legs are bent and resting on the bag..I'm sitting next to a guy I just met at the Chandigarh bus station. And he's possibly the reason I'm feeling ok...in the first place!

After a shoot in Patiala for CNN IBN, I'd decided to head to Kumarsain (about 80 kms) from simla where my mum's family is. While the notion of going to the hills might be romantic, the road that leads there definitely isn't! And if the dusty roads weren't an issue, the state transport buses hit you in the ass like a fucking hard baseball bat! The pain in my ass at the moment, was the himachal transport bus that I had boarded in Chandigarh.
It was probably my state of complete confusion, the lost look on my face, of just the sheer desperation in trying to find an easy way to reach simla from chandigarh..that probably let Jitendra to encourage the conversation i'd first begun. Long story short, after wondering if we should take a cab for 1500 as opposed to a bus for 100 a passenger...the vote was clear. Now we were sitting on the second row behind the driver with the sign "you can do online BOKING" with us. As they say, if you stare at something long enough..you think its right...and i'm really beginning to wonder if the word booking has two o's..or is it indeed boking!?

The guy was as cool as they get. He was on his way to attend a course in simla he knew nothing about. He didn't know how many days it would last, or what it would teach him...he didn't even know where exactly it was in simla...what he knew though...that he was on his way! Adventurous... you bet!

After discussion finances and interesting ways to make money and sharing our ideas on entrepreneurship vs being an employee...our chat had strayed into the area of ghosts, god and of course personal experiences. My stories always get juicer with every narration. I expect that others embellish theirs as well.

Our man began telling me all about aghoras that are these tantrics who do strange things to break from the cycle and death and birth. Our chat continued despite men furiously digging their noses. Bumps that i feel now, but i didnt...then. And ofcourse even as we passed places called fagu and matiana (which i would ordinarily laugh at) and amusingly enough a place called nanni..when i was on my way to see my..naani ;)

It's easy to make friends of course.. through the course of this journey, we'd both trusted each other with our luggage and wandered off several times...and at the end of it all..really we were n no hurry to reach because the chat about Aghoras wasn't over. Well we did. And now i can't wait to pick up the book. I like the idea of travelling with a friend. The trick though..if you don't start your journey with one...make sure you at least finish with one.

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Marry a Tree?!!

Unfortunately we're at that ripe age where our parents seem most excited about the proposition of getting rid of us. The Hindu tradition, out of sheer politeness, calls it marriage. While some of my friend's parents have managed to shoo their kids away to another home...some others...are relentlessly trying!

I was chatting with a dear old friend of mine..who's parents are hell bent on finding her a match. Ofcourse...they have to find a whole other set of parents who'll be willing to take a bride...who's already married...and to make matters worse...to a tree! She's Manglik ofcourse.

Yes, I know Aishwarya Rai comes to mind because she had to marry a peepal tree...before she became the Bachchan bahu. But isn't she Mrs Peepal first!!?

Here our some questions we came up with..in this conversations about trees, peepal, people and ofcourse strange peepal people. 

1) Why a tree?

2) Why a peepal tree?

3) Does the marriage stand 'null and void' in law, if the tree is not peepal?

4) Who was the smart ass who said...any other tree is just not good enough!

5) Doesnt a peepal tree in Hindu philosophy denote a Saadhu..who is NOT SUPPOSED TO MARRY TO BEGIN WITH!

6) What happens if the tree you're marrying is already married to someone else?!

7) How come its always the girl who has gotta do this?

8) How come no other religion has mangliks.. or do they call it something else and marry people off to canisters, garbage cans, coconuts, sheep, crabs and toilet bowls?!

9) A marriage stands to be annulled if not consummated right...? Do they expect you to 'do it' with a tree while your human husband- to -be watches and waits his turn!!!!

10) I'm sure you have a question or two!!

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New year hooplah!

Some tibetan food, some choco chip ice cream. A few hugs exchanged ...and it was new year already!

It seemed a trifle low key compared to the past few years of doing live links on new years eve.... but it wasn't bad. The lack of traffic, I liked. The lack of enthusiasm, I could've done without. 

I'm not sure what it is about a new year thats so easy to write off as "just another day" and yet so hard to really treat as...you know, just another day!

All the cliches.... what-you-do-today-is-what-you-will-do-the-whole-year....for instance, I fall right into them..every year!

So, I don't fight with anyone on the 1st, I workout (fitness all year sounds good), I usually pray for a bit...and oh yes I always try and be happy (it is the new year afterall....yippie yay!)

I started my new year this time...waking up with three of my close friends. Quickly passing them all some breath spray. Going out for an uddipi breakfast...(we realised later that NONE of us had gone to the loo!) and the first "acitivity" we did in the new year was...hold your breath-  shopping. 

I was told there was some sort of handicrafts exhibition that was on at powai....and soon enough we were all driving there. Not that we needed anything really, but when has that ever stopped anyone from spending money on things you don't need, wont use!

Some bed spreads (now i know they're different from bed sheets!), a neti pot, some glass thingees, a lamp, some churan golis, cushion covers....when i finally got back home with all the bags...i really couldn't help but wonder...WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO PUT ALL THIS STUFF!

Here's my question though..

am i going to spend the entire year.....

a) spending money?

b) doing things that are just giving me some sort of joy..

c) just breezing past a crowded bazaar (and im really going in for metaphor here!) and smile my way past people i meet and stop at the right one's who reeeally have something to offer

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Move over!

When do you finally say "this person is NOT welcome in my life anymore?"
I have so many friends really. I pride myself on my ability to meet random people, connect with people instantly and make friends. There's nothing like just bumping into a total stranger and discovering so much about people you may otherwise have just passed by.

I must confess, i even considered a project where I'd make it a point to meet one new person each day and the idea wasn't simply to learn about them..but was also to learn FROM them...and there's enough stuff to go around..learning wise!

Stage 2: You begin to value people. They become a part of your life. They add themselves, with your consent of course, to the people who already exist in your world...some you're born with...some ,you gather on your way...and some people..who become your pillars of support.

I've had my share of falling out with friends to know that one thing doesn't change. You always need someone to fall back on. You always, in other words, need support. Your pillars, however, change from time to time. And you begin to do without the old...and immerse yourself, strengthen your self with your new.

When do you say ..enough is enough? At what point do things like 'meeting mid-way', or 'compromising' become so overwhelming that you have to really ask yourself...is this person really worth it? Brother, sister, girl friend, boy friend, husband , wife, father.......... no matter what the relationship... if someone doesn't make you feel good about who you are...something isn't right!

I'm all for criticism really. It's often only your closest who have the key to your heart. The right to put you on a pedestal and the right to bring you back to earth. And then there are those...who seem to consistently bring you down. Pull you apart..and begin to make YOU question your self worth. THAT is what I've learnt to be weary of!

How long is too long...to give it a fair chance. And at what point can you really, honestly...turn back and say.... i think i've given it my best shot..now, it's really not worth it!?

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