Out, in the open!

We’re sitting by the river Satluj. My cousins, my aunt and I. We’ve come to this exact same spot by the river on my last trip a few months ago. And since then, we’ve longed to come back. On this trip we’re trying to relive the same excitement. If life were a formula…we’d attempted to do all the things from our previous trip…taking pictures, playing Dog and the Bone, Kabbadi…a lil trek. But for some reason…it just isn’t as much fun as the last time. Formulas don’t work for real life.

 

We’re now sitting by the river. Dipping the bottle of warm Mountain Dew in the cold ripples of the Satluj. The water is so cold..that we’re bound to enjoy a cool beverage if we wait a while. The exact opposite is happening with the bottles of water that we’ve carried…that have frozen in the ice box! The water is frozen…so can’t be drunk…the mountain dew too warm. In time, they’ll both be just right.

 

To kill time we eat the junk food we’ve carried. Some chips and peanuts. This is no time to count calories. Carefully carrying back the wrappers with us. My cousins have a little spat and the boy takes some time out to go sit alone. It’s  my job to go get him. He comes. Minutes later he hits his sister like he often does. She cries. She’s consoled…the game is back on track. My aunt is sitting on a big rock. Her pink outfit against the dark rock. The digital camera and the zoom on it..is keeping her amused.

 

Then it happens. I ask Daisy, my cousin if she wants to chant here. By the river, in the open, under the blue sky…the sand beneath us. She agrees, a little more readily than I’d have imagined. Soon we’re all chanting….my cousins, my aunt and I. And it is amazing! I’ve never chanted in the open before this. Certainly not by the river with a rock face so big…that we feel ridiculously small. We’re down about a hundred feet from the main road. The sound of our chanting is very easily drowned by the roar of the river. No contest. But six heads, sitting upright with their hands clasped looking towards nothing…catches the attention of two truck drivers. They stand and watch for a few minutes. Amused, but not amused enough to stay too long. They decide to move along. So do we.

 

The trek back up is fantastic! We’re walking up a dried up waterfall. The rocks are amazing. The thorns are not. I have a few scratches on my legs. Some war wounds and blood stains to earn bragging right back home. We’ll all embellish our stories when we replay the incidents to my grandmum. And if you happen to hear this from my grandmum, don’t be surprised if there’s a crocodile thrown into this story for added effect!

 

I love it here. I really do. I’m so grateful that I get to take time off whenever I want. And that when I do, I have people to share it with. 

C for Cancer

One in 28 women has breast cancer.

Men can get breast cancer as well.

 Club that with the fact that all of us ALREADY have cancer cells in our body...and its enough to make you get seriously worried. In some people these cells mutate. In some others, they decide to not go through all that trouble. You can try the antioxidant diet, green tea, regular workouts and a thin frame...but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that the Big C won't catch you. 

Here's the good news though. For everyone one of these facts that had my brain working overtime...there was the reassuring smile of a Nigerian lady called Peace.We were shooting with her for one of our last episodes for the NDTV Good Times show. She's an ad film maker. A mother of two and had to break the news of her cancer to her family. ..As opposed to the other way around. It's been eleven months since she first noticed a lump on her breast and realized she was already on stage 3....today chemotherapy is over, her hair is growing back, she's considering a breast reconstruction surgery and is throwing a reeeeeeally big party when she goes back home. Her spirit will move you...and if that doesn't give you strength...really nothing else can!

Unfortunately for me, I'm a hypochondriac. If I hear of a new disease..I think I have it. My organs conspire with my brain to make me feel some severe pain in and around the organ that the disease attacks..and I'm instantly imagining the worst! You can imagine my surprise then, when I was listening to Peace...asking Dr Sarin, who's a cancer surgeon about how bad chemo is really..and telling myself...'its no cakewalk..but it doesn't mean the end'.

Really, as an anchor, this isn't a show I'm proud of. This show hasn't provided me with the opportunity to just be..and have a ball and use my mind. What it has done though...is teach me so much about medicine, see surgery..and get over the fear of these big fancy sounding diseases. I know that everything will always be fine with me and my body...but if shit hit does the fan...I know i have a mop ready!

....to new friends!

You travel alone to a new city, the trick though, is to leave with a lot of friends!

Sure, it means having to stretch out of your comfort zone a wee bit...but that's the thrill of it! My month long stay in Delhi has only been fun because of people I've met completely out of the blue! And when I was talking to a friend about all these new additions first to my phone book...and my life, we were quite amazed!

From a young french student who jumped in when I was ordering a juice by saying 'that one no...good..try pineapple....' to the coolest plastic surgeon in the country and his family ...that I so feel a part of, to an Afghani interpreter who volunteers with ailing patients explaining to doctors what they need, to an 18 year old pilot incidentally the youngest one for kingfisher airlines from Delhi (he got his flying license BEFORE his driver's license!!).....my trip has been so cool! 

I've had a gym friend who took me out till the wee hours just because I said Delhi was fuck boring....and by 3 am I was begging to be taken back to the hotel because it was all TOOOO alive for my taste! Can you imagine...if I hadn't been shooting, or gymming, or just buying juice...my path would never cross theirs and I'd never have learnt all the stuff that I have!

Here's what I reaaaaly like about meeting random people and making friends..See, if you and I were working together...we're thrown into a situation. We might get along great...or not. But that relationship (sweet or sour) comes out of that situation. It wasn't voluntary when it began. On the other hand..when you walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation...they have no obligation what-so-ever to continue the chat, humor you, or even keep in touch! Now, THAT'S what I love! Isn't it great to know that you can form a bond with just about anyone instantly....!

I love it. Think about it. It means you're ALWAYS surrounded by friends..you just dont know them yet!! Make it happen ;)

Brain surgery!

Watching someone's skull being cracked open isn't exactly dinner and a movie. But I'd pay good money to watch it happen! Now, before you hop, skip and jump to conclusions about me being a freak and what not...it's only fair I tell you why!

We're in the operating room at the Apollo hospital in New Delhi, and cool cat Dr. Rajendra Prasad is removing a tumor from a patient of his. We happen to be given access because we're shooting for a series called Apollo 11 for our friends at NDTV Good Times. And watching a grinder saw through a skull and the scalp being folded back to expose a squiggly mass called the brain, are just perks of the job! I'm surprised how my brain is reacting to seeing another one of its kind being worked on. I'm not shocked, unlike my producer... I'm not squeamish, I'm actually fascinated. 

The patient is face down on the operating table...his entire body covered in the green hospital cover, only part of his skull is exposed. And that perhaps the reason its so easy to leave your emotions in your back pocket while you simple stand, look in awe...and see how we've managed to understand our bodies so well...that we can actually fix these issues!

Here's the reason I took such liking to putting on a pair of scrubs and stepping into the OT from time to time and see wassup. For one thing we all associate surgeries with a lot of pain and discomfort. Sure it isn't exactly like a peck on a cheek, but the pain isn't as bad (or as horrible) as one might imagine. And that idea was reiterated each time we ran into a patient after the operation and they were roaming around like nothing big really happened! Sure, none of us want these things to happen...but if shit does hit the roof.....bring out the vacuum cleaner, and head to the hospital. 

It's only brain surgery afterall, not rocket science! ;)

Fire or flowing water?!

 You're having a casual chat with a friend of yours, about nothing in particular...but that's what makes it so beautiful. In those moments, words are exchanged, things are said... and you've generally had a nice time. Here's the most beautiful part though... once the friend is gone, the coffee has been taken away (or warm water.. if like me you don't fancy coffee or tea) somethings come back to you. And you have your 'Aah! what a wonderful thing that was' moment!

Most of my epiphanies come to me when I'm in the shower. Funny how soap and lather and generally touching myself inappropriately helps open my mind! A friend of mine was telling me about the intensity that chanting requires... Her philosophy used flowing water and fire as analogies. 

Fire dies out quickly. Sure, its intense for the moments it burns...but it withers soon. To put it in perspective, I'd rather have a 20 watt bulb burning through the night in my room rather than have a 1000 wt bulb burn for ten minutes and have me bumping into furniture all night! 

Low voltage bulbs aside, I realised very often in my own life...I've wanted things too fast without really asking myself 'can i sustain this?'. Sure I could be over 5 channels doing rubbish shows and make money now...but is that going to serve my larger good. Do I want longevity or am I satisfied with exposing all my potential now and keeping no reserves for later?

My choice is flowing water. There's really no right or wrong here. Its where you take your life.  I want to grow, meander, touch places and plains I hadn't imagined. Slow down if my life hits a village that's beautiful to enjoy its country side, and speed up if life isn't offering me much somewhere. But I MUST KEEP FLOWING! Because if i burn too soon, rather if i don't flow... I'll never reach the ocean. I want to.

P!

MY 'Challenges'

Its something a friend has been saying over and over again and  it's beginning to become an inner voice for me. 'Every second you're creating karma...', he says...and I couldn't agree more.

I know it sounds like a lie when you look yourself in the eye and tell the mirror...'You're fine.' I know it seems like a lie when you begin to tell yourself that you have the strength to face it all. You know you're lying. But here's the most wonderful thing... faith, like much else is easy to fake. Like they say, if you tell yourself a lie over and over...you'll believe its the truth.

My setbacks are not roadblocks. My sorrows, grief, disappointments aren't coming in the way of my progress...they are challenges. They're the bitter sweet instrument to teach me the fine art of living, to teach me to enjoy and cherish my life when it finally does blossom to its fullest. It'll get there. Soon.

I know its easy to get caught up in the moment. Some of us deal with these challenges with rage, some pretend like it doesn't bother us, some turn to friends for comfort..some of us might even drown ourselves in the bottomless ocean of self pity...here's the learning though.. no one can pull you out until YOU are ready to be pulled out. 

My way is to smile. I think a little part of me has begun to believe that I can trick my mind. When you tell yourself the lie about being happy over and over again...you do begin to believe it! And that...for me ...has become the trump card to face these 'challenges'. 

Really, its all in the fucking mind... one moment the damn thing is down and out..and in the second instant it sees hope..and just when you hit rock bottom.. you hear the words 'it can only get better from here', and you smile!

 Best part, you're not even faking this one!

Of kings and Queens

I remember as a child playing in the corridors of the palace. The palace itself, a wooden fortress, in the small town of kumarsain was a matter of pride for my cousins. My nani, was raised pretty much by Raja Badhyar singh, because he made a promise to my great grand dad by his death bed…that his wife and daughter would be looked after.

 Now, this may sound like its straight out of  a movie about jaydaad, and vaaris and what not..but my grand dad, in all seriousness took the raja’s vachan….and that’s the reason why the raja himself found a match for my nani in a 16 year old orphaned lad, Charandas mahant. She was 12..and remembers playing marbles with him, Only they didn’t use marbles…they used walnuts….from their own tree mind you!

You can see then, how this palace was important to my family. My nani’s grown up there, my own mum (the hottest 38 year old the world ever lost) ran about in the palace and my 12 and 13 year old cousins..until very recently studied in the palace foyer. A part of it was converted to a school.

I remember seeing the palace last year when we shot on the palace steps. A large part of my cousins and aunts and uncles, nani in the centre…posing for a family picture. To put it in perspective, this palace, The Hira Mahal…is what the gateway of India is to Bombay. I know, it serves a very inconsequential practical purpose…but it’s a part of its DNA. It’s like the mole I have under my right eye or the one I have on my left shoulder..you might consider it cosmetic….but they’d ask about it if they were identifying me…wouldn’t they?!

It’s in ashes now, this sprawling palace made of deodar wood. A short circuit started a fire that quickly spread through the corridors. The palace was on fire for hours. And the fire brigades that made a futile attempt to reach here from simla and rampur (both 2 hours away) were too late.

It’s in ruins now. A gaping hole at the very centre of the town. If you hadn’t seen it in all its glory, its hard to imagine why anyone would miss this thing really. From the day I arrived here, I’d been wanting to go in. I finally did manage to climb over the burnt wood, hoping it wouldn’t give way and send me tumbling down about 20 feet. My cousins followed me in, but only slightly. The main courtyard is massive. I remember going in once with mum to meet her friend, the princess. Now, I only saw an empty wooden chest which agreeably might have been full of riches at a time. The tulsi plant at the very centre has managed to come back to life, Kumarsain’s very own phoenix.. and the wooden steps that lead to the raja’s personal chamber are intact. I climbed down. Scared of the legend that the Raja’s spirit still lives here. Curious to see if he will greet me. Hoping he wouldn’t!

I’m not sure what this did for me. But I feel at peace. The place makes me sad every time I see it. And it scares me because my own aunts and uncles have heard shrill sounds of crying late at night from the ruins. I’m not sure if it’s true…one part of me hopes it is.

The palace has gone from being fact to legend. And legends are only complete with ghosts. I’m hoping for one here. The stories then, will live on. A part of the palace, with it.