Sunday, November 18, 2007

My friend in the night..

I cant stop dreaming, and I cant stop staring at the ceiling either. Something makes me smile constantly. It’s not anything in particular, its just.... everything.

I toss. I turn. I go to the loo countless times, even when I don’t really have to go. A song’s playing on my laptop. It’s played about 10 times already. It’ll play another ten perhaps. Something about the lyrics keeps me up. Something in them makes me want to dance. Something tells me I need to sleep, because the gods of work wont be pleased about my escapades in the night. They wont feel the understated joy of discovering a new song that takes over your entire being. You’ve traveled already, for hours with the song…. Imagined. Believed. Lived. And yet you know, despite the fact that your mind had managed to wander to the most beautiful places, your reality hasn’t changed. It won’t. And that’s part of the joy.

The hands on the clock have been moving tirelessly. Tick tock. Tick tock. The hours have been drifting past. At 11 you thought, you’d be asleep by 12.At mid night you were convinced, you wouldn’t be awake to see the clock arms go past one. Tick tock. You’re still awake. Still smiling. Still in the room. And yet, far- far away.

You’re not alone in the room though. Your glance meets someone else’s. You’ve been looking at each other for sometime now. Occasionally acknowledging each other’s presence. A mirror after all is hard to ignore. The person in the mirror is just as happy as you are. Just as elated. No one in the world, but the two of you understand this insane joy you feel. Over nothing really, then again…its not really quite the same when happiness comes with a reason. Because then you know you have a reason that’s making your heart race. A cause-effect relationship tells you this is not going to last. But joy, that has no reason…has no reason to end. Because nothing in particular started it to begin with. It just drifted in. And brought with it, a sleepless night. An endless smile. The flicker of eyelashes that hold in them a world of imagination. And that feeling, is hard to take away.

You enjoyed it at first, but now reason kicks in. You’re trying to figure what it is about your new discovery that makes the world seem spectacular. What is it about a tune and a few words strung together that make you feel irrational joy. Ecstasy without reason.

I try and write my feelings down. If something’s making me feel this good, I want to feel this joy everyday. Even if it has no reason. Even if I can’t trace where it all began, I can definitely make it stop from ending. And in that process, I destroy it. Hours of bliss end in an instant. My hunger to feel this rush, to preserve it, becomes the death of it. I stop writing, realizing I’m ending the most beautiful thing I’ve felt in days. And then I think to myself…. How happy I was, in the moments that were. And how trying to hold on to something only makes it go away further. Faster. I finally fall asleep.

I try the same song again the next night. It doesn’t quite have the same effect. I don’t see the arms of the clock working. I don’t meet my faithful companion in the mirror. And I have no way of knowing if he sat there, waiting for me the entire night. I was asleep after all.


vrisha said...

i know what u mean.. exactly!!.. my suggestion??... get up increase the volume & dance till you are tired and sleepy... works for me!! But then again.. if you are happy staying awake... why bother???!!

megha said...

i think itzz sum wat same i feel many a times..... nd wat i do generally is start recollecting few of the most beautiful moments of my life.... or start thinking abt future in which everything goes according to my wish nd within few moments i start feeling sleepy.....y not u try doing so??

zeeeal said...

hiii there... nice blog u got here... brings out a totally diff self of u... never seen ur philosophical side... heard of this the more u trap happiness in u the more it slips away the sand clenched in ur fist slips between ur fingers when u squeeze it more....;)

tomar said...

well is not ment to sleep only. you have better things to worry about. I have been putting you to sleep during those painful nights by keeping awake my self and before that Mom use to sing lorries for you. Dont' forget that. High time........for you to rise and shine now. Best of luck & sweet dreams. God bless you dear. Bye.