Cum and Go!

"Once I cum, I need them to leave"

I'm hearing these words on a rainy night in a room full of smoke with music that is screaming for attention in vain. It's a worldview that isn't necessarily right or wrong. It's just perspective I don't understand.

I'm a certified cuddler. Friends, ex's , hookups even my building dog Sattu will testify that Paras loves a good cuddle. Post coital or not , affection isn't necessarily sexual. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. On more than one occasion I've been asked "Paras, Do you do this with everyone?" . And my answer is always consistent. "Yes, It makes me happy"

For someone who has the reputation of having a ridiculously high libido ( Hardly a rumour by the way, mostly fact...)  I'm surprisingly emotional. I've been lucky to never have encountered a cum-and-go sort of a sexual partner. Perhaps I choose well, perhaps my genuine affection to people warms them, perhaps they're being polite and its quite possible they've actually enjoyed something they probably thought they never would.

To be polyamorous (A classification I've only recently begun to identify with in my single avatar ) is a good thing. For me attraction, relationships, love all begin with a kiss. They Move forward with sex. And when I find someone I like, the reaction is instantaneous. I've never had to wait to fall in love with someone. I really am the love-at-first-sight kinda guy. And when it has happened to me , it's always been beautiful. As is evident,  I choose wisely and  I invest nicely. Perhaps I feel those things because once you find what you're looking for, you begin to hold on to that with such sincerity that the universe realises... this is meant for Paras to have. It gives in.

I could never tell someone to leave right after being intimate. I'm not wired that way. Sure, some connections are stronger, some fade away faster than they might have begun but in that moment, when the clothes are off and the guard is down... I do show an immense amount of affection. Luckily, my world hasn't been ruined by the cynics.

I cuddle because I'm looking for love. The cuddle is an embrace which isn't left with ease. I cum and I stay. Sometimes long. Hopefully forever.

Paras Tomar

The Fitness tracker you SHOULDN'T buy!

So lets get this straight.
It doesn't have a pedometer. It doesn't recognize a cardio session on the treadmill or an elliptical machine and oh yes, the damn thing just keeps falling off!

Moov Now, Moov over!

I'm barely new on the fitness bandwagon. If the dedicated youtube content on fitness and an active lifestyle weren't enough, my passion for health with a hint of vanity was reason enough for me to want a fitness tracker to begin with.

Weight loss is simple mathematics. If you keep a constant eye on How much you're burning and you can figure which activities are helping you burn the most number of calories, you're bound to put your body in a calorific deficit. Words any one trying to lose some inches is familiar with!

The Moov Now sounded impressive from the world go. The build in workouts, the hands on running coach, the six month battery life are some of the things that made it the obvious choice for me to gravitate towards. But that was before I bought the damn thing!

I filmed an unboxing on my youtube channel while I was still in the honeymoon phase!



Once you're initial excitement over the built in workouts wears off, you're gonna use the Moov Now for very little. The only way it really helps me burn more calories is the lil wild goose chase it sends me on every now and then because the main unit constantly keeps falling off the strap! Why they would design it so poorly is beyond me. But you have to own one of these to truly know the frustration! Tighten it, losen it, move arms, try it around the ankle. The only thing that happens consistently is that it falls off! Why would you make a strap that turns over itself even while I'm just sleeping! And what's the point of the large hole on the star anyway!

If you're in India, where running out in the open might be more counterproductive to your health with crazy levels of pollution, the Moov Now is going to do little for you. It refuses to recognize any workout that happens on the treadmill.

While the wear it, forget it idea did win the initial brownie points.. that's just it. That's the one thing the Moov Now does not let me do! It refuses to be forgotten! So i wrote the the helpful people at Moov only to be sent some automated email telling me I should do the most obvious things to not let the thing fall off! That email is laughable! And then they direct me to a page to buy a new strap which is exactly the same!

The only thing mine seems to tell me is how many hours I've slept. the active minutes is pretty useless unless you're a grandmother. It counts active minutes when I'm doing positively nothing!

You're probably better off with a fitbit or a jawbone. At least they'll do the job of a pedometer right!

Sunny Leone vs Bhupendra Chaubey

"What an ass"

We kept hearing ourselves repeat those words over and over whilst we watched the interview online. By the time we got to watching the video, it had already taken up way too much space on the Facebook homepage. It had been trending for a few hours. Cheers of Bravado for Leone's ability to handle an interviewer like Chaubey seem to have been doing the rounds. Only we hadn't watched it yet. And then it began.

What an ass.

This was weird for me because I know the man. I've met him a few times while I worked at CNN IBN. Our paths barely crossed because he is a journalist and I pretended to be one while I monkeyed around on Entertainment shows for a few years across news networks. If reputation or hearsay had anything to do with this, I wasn't entirely surprised he sounded the way he did asking questions. Still, it seemed fairly odd that a journalist of that repute would hide behind phrases like "People say..." "They feel" when he perhaps bit his tongue every time he wanted to just say "I think I'm too ashamed to be interviewing a former porn goddess given my journalistic credentials".

Again I'm only assuming.

It's fair to imagine that like any other hormone driven lad, in his time Mr. Chaubey has pleasured himself watching porn. If not more recently.  To say that he isnt great friends with his right or left hand (unless he is ambidextrous) seems a highly unlikely possibility. I really did hope at some point in the interview Leone would've jumped in and said " Are you saying this..or is someone else". And it really would've been exciting to see his reaction if she asked her interviewer ,When was the last time he watched some Girls gone wild.

I've interviewed Pamela Anderson while I was hosting a show for Headlines Today and I had no problem admitting I was a big fan. In fact I'd cheekily suggested the idea of shooting our interview on the bed, to which the PR person (who happened to be a friend) told me to politely " to not push it". We had fun. Interview done. She was promoting Big boss, I was getting a fun story. Just another day at work.

I guess that would've been to vanilla for Bhupendra Chaubey. I guess he needed to do something more attention grabbing. To single handedly give an actress the credit for the consumption of porn in a country to rise is giving one person too much credit, I thought. That Leone handled him well is public info now. But why would a journalist with a presumably sharp mind do something so stupid?

He could've asked her the usual 'tell us about your role' kinda questions. Then again, an intern could've done that. He needed to make sure his interview grabbed eye balls. It certainly did. As an addition, his balls are being grabbed by all of social media for an interview that didn't need to be as "grilling" as he attempted to make it. She wasn't on Karan Thapar's show for crying out loud! And he would've done this with his trademark quiet grin and gotten away with it.

Perhaps, its a lil sweet spot I have for CNN IBN (the owners of which have changed since I worked there!), but still We'll give Mr Chaubey the benefit of doubt here. Perhaps he was nervous. We've all said silly things to someone we really like when we meant to do the exact opposite!

For all you know, Mr Chaubey was just excited he was on a date with this gorgeous girl he's probably spent so much time with, in his brain. And then he just started saying stupid things as opposed to saying what he really wanted to. "I'm a big fan"

Just to give him the benefit of doubt, coz we do like creating monsters out of nothing...My interactions with him were pretty sweet. Nice guy.

Maybe this is just the case of a nervous lover boy . Or maybe...What an ass!

You glutton, you food whore!

Its an All-You-Can-Eat buffet that has lasted a week from christmas until new years. That's if you're lucky! If you're like me, I started cheating on my diet somewhere at the beginning of December. What may have  begun

 as mild flirtation with junk food turned into a whole affair that's made regret every single decision of my culinary life. Like most cases of I-cheated-on-you, I did it every single time knowing fully well that the pleasure was probably not worth the pain that lay ahead as a matter of consequence. But the mind sometimes falters in picking between what feels good and what feels right. Mine, clearly picked instant gratification.

It's too late now. The weighing scale has spoken, the denims aren't bursting at the seems just yet, but I'm just glad the change I needed is here. My resolution to stop eating crap has to begin now because the new year is when it must! The fact is, January 01 is the mother of all monday's even if it isn't one! It's a fresh start that pushes us all to redeem ourselves, only in this case, this so called new chapter seems doomed for failure because we set the bar so high, that we eventually forget that it's physically impossible to reach that high. Unless the bar is next to a cookie shelf, in which case, the kung-fu panda in each one of us seems to ascend in no time!

Here's the trick: You gotta keep things real. "I won't eat this and that and the other" isnt going to help. "I'm only eating boiled food" is gonna be the reason you'll probably end up being fatter. Worst of all "I will work out twice a day, 7 days a week" will be the reason you won't see the inside of the gym. Heck, you might avoid it like the plague! Go easy on yourself, make sure you don't set yourself up fr disappointment.

Here's my plan, very do-able, might I add: I will eat sensibly. Will work 5 days a week. And the only clear No-No is junk food and desserts. It's an easy plan. But hey, I'm only human! I'll either get that six pack, or I'm going to die trying... to fit into my denims, that is!

Happy New Year!

Add to cart!

I'm an addict. There, I said it.

If I'm not looking through a website that offers free worldwide shipping, I'm looking at websites that offer cheap airfares. Between the two, I prefer the former because there is something incredible about knowing that a parcel with your name on it is leaving another country!  I'm ok with paying the custom duties because the stuff I end up getting is a lot nicer than anything that is available locally. Plus, then the chances of me running into five other people wearing the exact same thing are a whole lot lesser! A
dd to cart.

I'm not sure at what point in the last year I got addicted to it. I'm the usual, touch-feel-try-buy kinda guy. But since sizes are more or less universal and I know that I need to order a "small" whatever in any case , the fitting room becomes a wee bit redundant. I must confess though, every now and then I'll even visit a furniture, home decor kinda website and browse a while through pots, pans and household appliances before heading out to Hypercity. If there is such thing as online window shopping, my window...is fairly large!

Here's what I do end up ordering online very often though. iPad covers, phone covers, clothes, macbook sleeves, protein powders, protein bars, clothes, inner wear, specially designed business cards, clothes, pen drives, gadgets, digital kitchen appliances and oh, I forgot to mention ...clothes! I'm not sure why when I shop online I feel like I'm not really paying for it. Shipping time has shrunk massively over the years and most international sites I order from deliver within one working week. the Indian sites end up delivering within 24 hours! Couldn't get better honestly! Whatever be the timeline...when the package does arrive, it almost feels like its  a gift from someone else and I can't wait to tear open the bubble wrap!

Yes, I think I end up buying stuff I don't really need. I'm not sure why I'm looking through a website that'g gonna send me a "butterfly in a jar", a really cool gadget that mocks a trapped butterfly. Very geeky. From our friends at ebay , I've even ordered LED light strips and push button emergency lights that I have little or no use for. It's kinda like walking into a supermarket and picking that extra pack of gum that you didn't need, or those AAA batteries that you can always use or perhaps that snickers bar that seems to be calling your name for no apparent reason. The exact same seems to happen before "proceed to make payment" online. And then I find myself in the beautiful land of online retail where there are no queues, no annoying sales people and more importantly, where the website is open for me and only me at that time.

Add to cart!

#100happydays

Joy is essential.

That's been a mantra of mine for years. I find that it makes decisions for me in a heartbeat. The first instinct is often the right one, then logic steps in. "Is it fun?", If the answer to that is a "yes", I catch myself very often jumping on the boat even before I have time to strap on a life vest. Then again, sometimes to really enjoy the ride, you need to let yourself free. Leave the insurance at home. 

#100happydays is a brilliant lil' idea that a website began challenging readers, bloggers, face bookers and just about anyone with a gram of technology, to participate in something that seems fairly simple at first glance. "Can you stay happy for 100 days?". Even for an eternal optimist like me, it didn't seem fundamentally possible for a human being to be in a state of nothing but joy for 100 straight days. I haven't participated in this "challenge", but in my own lil way i think i've consciously begun to think of the little things that will make me, better still, keep me happy.

This isn't about just staying in a state of drug infused state of happiness per say. It's about acknowledging the fact that your boss may scream at you, your kids might talk back to you, you might suffer an injury, you wife might cheat on you...or worse...you might get caught when you're trying to take a #100happydays picture while you're the one cheating on your wife..! Whichever side of the fence you're on, the idea is to be able to find that one small thing in that day which does put a smile on your face. And that I think is very doable. 

In an internet movement where strangers share photos of embracing a friend after years, or catching up with someone over a cup of coffee, or if it's my silver shoes, I find that the hashtag directs me mostly to cakes, pasties and food! It's strange how much happiness seems to come to people around food! More often than not, the # is accompanied by #leavethediet #100happydays essentially pointing to the fact that its become part of our ecosystem to constantly put off doing something that we love because it has consequences we do not want. Diet-health-vanity you get the picture. If Delayed gratification had an era dedicated to it, this is probably it!

In a larger space of universal energy, I love that there are a billion or so people in the world EVERYDAY who go out and give the universe a slight signal of happiness. If the universe is listening, if even ever so slightly, i think we're in for a good year! 

Bahrain Musings!

I must confess, I came to Bahrain imagining the worst. Youtube, BBC and the international press didnt help comfort me when I saw only pictures of violence on the streets of the Kingdom nation. And yet somehow here I am now, having a ball.. loving the people we've met and COMPLETELY tripping on the Bahrain City Centre, the biggest mall in the country.

I'm not sure if a mall is the best way to experience the culture of an unfamiliar nation, yet somehow the mall was the one thing that shattered most of my pre-concieved notions.  I should know, I came with plenty!

One of my fellow shoppaholick friends was the first to point out mannequins with what can only be described as regular western clothing. "If they are selling it, I'm guessing they wear it also," she said. And rightly so. The only dress code directive we might be complying with is "wear pants to the ministry". In all fairness, I'd have settled for a lot less, given what I had read online. It's an easy country, with breezy people and dust storms that might give you a sore throat. Travel advisory: Carry Allegra

If you're someone who is a fan of jogging around in a new country, you might wanna keep your running shoes on hold. Pedestrians, and here I testify, are usually stared at from moving vehicles. Its probably the heat that makes indoors a preferred zone, or perhaps its the fact that fuel is mind numbbingly cheap that lets people yank air conditioners even if they drive to a destination that is one minute away! If you're walking, you must be an alien!

One of the most fascinatng things about being here though, is my belief in the fact that the media projects what it chooses to. I dont think I can pick sides in this clash between the two muslim sects in this country. It's a conflict that I dont' understand. What I do understand however is the projection of what a day in Bahrain is like, and what it's made to look like. Images of little boys burning tyres in sheer rebellion of the monarchy are what seem to dominate the international perspective on Bahrain. Clearly images that seem orchastrated for broadcast. We've driven around the country several times now, it's size making travel very easy...and we're yet to see a |fight" as youtube videos has me believe.

I'm not sure which side of the story might be true. Then again, everyone believes their version is the right one. I've been told that little boys earn as much as twenty Bahraini Dinar ( roughly $2.5) for every staged tyre burning. Some insists its agenda that comes from neighnbouring Iran, others are convinced the fight is a legit plee for equal status to different sects of the religion. From an outsiders perspecrtive, it's something that doesnt come in the way of daily life if you're visinting the country. The murmurs of violence fade when you're enjoying a quiet evening in the beautiful setting of Amwaj, and the country's political issue shows no trace when you're shopping at the many 24 hour stores and diners all across the Bahrainian landscape.

While it's tempting to pick sides and take a moral high ground on who's right and who isnt, its important to realise its a fight that isn't mine. Like I said, It's one that I don't understand either. I'm here to enjoy a beautiful county, and nothing has come in the way of that intention what so ever!

That's not my name!

If cliches are anything to go by, a guy who addresses another guy with a "dude" or "man" or "mate" or "dawg" is in theory wearing low slung jeans, visible boxer shorts in a contrasting color, dr. dre headphones and sports a few tattoos on his arms. And yet somehow, here i am... not your everyday guy from the hood, finding it increasingly difficult to have a conversation with another guy without using "dude" and "man". When did I becomes one of those guys?!

I've never really understood the "mate" bit..and thats still a word that remains unused in my vocabulary. Is it supposed to somehow imply that the other person is your, well mate?! And while some of the above mentioned words come in handy when you a) don't know the person's name b) don't remember it c) dont want to say a name that's either too long, too complicated or too....well whatever the reason maybe.... "dude" comes in handy and usually never goes out of style. Well not until a new friend from the gym says his own name repeatedly in a conversation and clearly says "Paras, my friend..don't call me dude!"

# paras is stumped.

I blame the street talk on one of my recent best friends who not only introduced the "brodaaaaa" talk to me but also made it a very part of my DNA. My usual way of addressing just about all my friends was either too formal or very personal. There really was nothing between Mr... and adressing someone by their first name. The "dude" however, is something i've fallen so in love with that I find myself even addressing some of my more adventurous female friends with the same word. They only laugh.

Ghetto, street, fun..slightly impersonal it may be..but some part of it is me. I might even have gone to the extent of calling it "wannabe" a few years ago.. although now that i think about it... if something is you, it's just you..even if it means NEVER saying your friends names in a conversation..which I'm increasingly noticing!

P!

Bollywood's eccentricities!

I do what I do with mild amusement. 

Amongst a host of travel, youth and trend shows..the one's I love anchoring, , are bollywood shows. And with good reason.This is a country that loves it's movie stars. I do too. I just don't care about the movies, i never have.

Most people are shocked, and some are convinced that I'm fibbing when I say... "I don't watch bollywood movies". But that's perhaps why i've been able to tirelessly do these shows for a few years now, because the films never excited me. The actors did.

I mean no disrespect to our cinema. It's our biggest cultural export, and perhaps our most entertaining one at that. Images of the Indian parliament and ministers hurling shoes at each other may rarely make it to the top of international headlines, but when Aishwarya Rai walks the red carpet at Cannes, the world sits up to take notice. Such is the power of our celebrities. Beauty over politically- flung footwear.

At the moment, we're shooting for episodes for a Bollywood show for the Zee network. We interview stars about their films. It's perhaps the first show , where I'm forced (by the show's format) to ask questions about the script,film,scenes (yawn!) and other things related directly to the movie making process. And yet somehow actors tirelessly repeat amusing stories about the process of putting together that film interview after interview. The very latest was a story about how a scene had to stop because a cow began giving birth on set! The film in question being My friend Pinto, the actors in question....were very amused!

I like that i have access to some of the most coveted people in this country. And i like that, I know some of them really well. Because the nicest moments are when the camera isn't rolling. Then it's just a bunch of young people having fun... and that's always a super thing!

P! :)

Air hostess, air hostiles!

“They’re not air hostesses, they’re air hostiles!”

And so it began. The journey from Mumbai to Toronto for IIFA 2011.

Air India might not be your airline of choice for the terrible word-of-mouth they’ve got over the years. You almost imagine air hostiles (kinda love that term) flinging shoes at you, refusing as much as a glass of water and pretty much threatening to throwing you out , should you ask them to get you anything. God forbid, THAT’S not their job.

Oh wait, it is! Only no one’s told them.

No such drama on this flight though. I hate to admit it, but this Air India flight is a revelation. But I’ll get to the good part in a bit. Gotta check-in first.

I am greeted by a woman at the counter. Mid forties, usual grumpy -ground staff demeanor with a I-can’t-believe-I’m-still-doing-this written all over her face kinda thing. You get the picture.

“Put your bag with handle upside..so it is easy for me to put tag”

I don’t comply. Quite frankly coz it’s hard to understand someone who’s juggling (what I imagine) to be around half a gallon of spit with a pen, all in the same deep cavity called the human mouth.

“Handle up,” she frowns at this point. Enough to let me know that this woman isn’t going to take too kindly to me listening to Colin Hay while I check in. Ear phones out, she has my full attention by this point.

*indescribable mumble

I now have someone from the IIFA team who’s come to my rescue, put the handle in a position that finds the approval of the check- in lady, who as I now understand must have been am army general in a previous life. She certainly has the talent to say “Here’s your boarding pass” with just about the same ferocity as “I’m gonna kill you, you mother F$%^#ng twat”

“Yes Ma’am”, I say. Partly obeying orders, partly smiling. Partly scared I’ve overstepped rank.

Oddly enough I see a sight most travelers may conclude is mythical. She smiles... and asks me to have a good flight. (it’s still an order, of course.)

And I really do!

I’m unsure of why Air India has such bad press. The flight is great. Service is wonderful. The air hostesses are anything but hostile, in fact if anything at all I might break out into a hugging spree when I’m getting off the plane!They’ve been fantastic. Sure there’s Sridevi (minus make up) walking around with hubby Boney in tow…but I can’t blame Air India for that. Can I now?

I’m lucky to be traveling with someone I’ve known for years but never hung out with. I ran into him literally five and three quarter steps away from the plane and then realized on boarding we’re sitting next to each other. In theory he has potential to be a friend. In practice I wouldn’t know because talking to someone who’s asleep 12 out of 16 hours on a flight usually yields very little result. Believe me, I’ve tried!

Anyway, to a happy trip now. Will keep you guys posted on what’s happening at IIFA 2011. You know where to look for that information.

Why I'm not a political mastermind..

To say that my interest in politics is limited, may only be an understatement. To say that my understanding of politics isn't up to par, might be spot on though.

I find myself mildly amused when I read headlines about Rahul Gandhi being arrested and rumors of Shilpa Shetty being pregnant, all on the same web page. It might strike you as being ironic, but if news pages aren't talking about the fact that Aishwarya got her Cannes fashion right (finally!), they're talking about the fact that Ratan Tata is taking potshots at Anil Ambani for being in a billion dollar mansion in the heart of a slum infested city. Can you blame me then for not paying too much attention to the other news items about the farmer's of Bhatta Parsaul? 

Like many of my peers from Bombay (and I insist on calling it that because that's how I've ever known this city) I might be largely disconnected from the world of Indian politics. When I meet my cousins in Simla, they're a lil more inclined towards knowing which party might come to power in their state. In Maharastra however, as long as political goons aren't ransacking a stadium or a pub or beating up autowallas for some strange agenda that makes them only increasingly unpopular, it's hard to find traces of politics in daily life. Thank god. 

The spectrum scam has dominated headlines for months now. And while many hundred crores may have exchanged hands during the 2G scam that landed several in trouble while some others continue to hide ...I don't understand why I'm STILL unable to make 3G video calls from my vodafone number. If you call THAT  a political question, then I probably ask a lot more of those everyday. 

I'm not sure if politics disinterests me or the fact that politics in this country simply equates corruption, is what has put me off altogether. I admit, when the American elections are on, I'm glued to CNN for absolutely no apparent reason. I'm sure they have their political filth, but that usually comes in the form of stained underwear and glamourous vice presidential candidates who make for great reality tv when not elected to office. I don't see Mamta Banerjee being half as exciting if a crew from TLC decided to follow her on a  reality show, like they did  Sarah Palin. It's a good thing we're not about to find out .

It was only last year that we were shooting in Gandhinagar during Dandiya that I had a brief encounter with Narendra Modi. In my head he's everything that's wrong with Indian politics. The fact that he's not only glorified, but also in power in a state that's possibly suffered the most because of religion in this country is what completely baffles me. I have to admit though, the man's got style. A state function in Gujarat might resemble something that Wizcraft may have planned. And you can call him anti secular all you want, the fact is Gujarat is planned, cleaner and the infrastructure is to be envied. I can see how people are willing to put the past behind.

I'm glad I don't need to understand politics in this country. And I'm glad I live in a city which is largely self governing. If my life depended on making sense of politics, I'd be in heaven by now , far from politicians who'd be in a whole different sphere! 

If however someone deconstructs it and makes a cartoon strip of the whole mess and emails it to me, I'd gladly read. It is the best reality tv after all.

Paras!

From Breast massager to the Fluffer?!

Yeah I bet that title got your attention. And why wouldn't it?

To be fair, the breast massager, may have started out with the intention of helping lactating mothers ease the process of...well lactation. But we all know what pervy minds like you and me are thinking. Turns out some other residents in Shanghai (where this issue was being errrr...handled) weren't too thrilled about men handling the breasts of new mothers. The fact that these "masseurs" were charging anywhere between $50 to $70 an hour to nurse new mommy's boobies in a "scientific" way..just seemed like a slap on the face to the fathers who were actually paying to have another man fondle the mother of their new borns!

To put this in perspective...  man squeezes breasts (for an hour!), gets paid $50. No wonder the Indian rate of unemployment is so high...we dont have these lucrative options. And while the Boob massager might definitely be on the list of "most desirable professions" for most men... women have done something similar for ages in an effort to add a certain, well,  stiffness to that wonderful art form we boys call pornography. 

You see the penis has a mind of it's own. Excitement barely ever lasts as long as one would want it to. And if the penis in question is attached to a pornstar, chances are it's being over worked. The most exciting of propositions, threesomes, plots, sub plots, role playing etc can seem tiring beyond a point...and if you're a male pornstar (an occupation most boys have dreamed of at some point!), chances are..you might need a hand .

Enter the fluffer. A job so "hands on" it'll make your palms sweat. The job of the fluffer is simple.. keep the pornstars erection intact. IF the flag is at full mast, you can collect your cheque. And while this might come with a certain degree of health risk, not to mention some rather embarrassing moments during filming...it also comes with pay cheque ranging from $35 an hour to $200 a day. I'm sure your bringing out your calculators just about now to figure that an average monthly salary of the fluffer is about $6000 (that translates to about two lakh seventy thousand INR)  For the second time today, I clearly have your attention now! 

No job's big or small. In the case of the fluffer, the tool..just might be. Incase you come face to face with a fluffer my advice is , stay clear of questions like "do you spit or swallow", "wow, that's quite a mouthful", and "can you fit a sword in your mouth"...and you should be alright.

Paras!

Blah episode. Fun with pictures!

Things people say!

Picture a fat punjabi aunty in loud clothes with a lil nerd boy of about eleven years by her side. 

He's picked out a pair of shoes he likes, she's trying to haggle.

"Bhaiya..hum humesha sirf lactose shoes hi pehente hain.. theek theek price lagao!"

And I'm already ROFL! Only I can't actually do it, or she'll smack me with her blingy hand bag! 

While the poor dukaandaar at sarojini market kept a straight face thru the "lactose"... I was amused! When i narrated the story to my colleagues, one was quick to say.. "you've scripted this!". To think, I wish i had!

It's hardly the first time a faux pas of this sort has been witnessed. or well, FOX PASS as we jokingly call it! A sweet gym trainer in delhi was playing with his iphone and I asked him a simple question which took a rather dramatic turn.  "which version are you using?". He laughed as i continued doing some abdominal crunches, leaving me confused. Then again, it's standard response. Don't understand something, laugh and exit frame. I thought that's what he did...until he returned a while later and said.. "shaadi ke pehle toh virgin hi honge naa sir!".

It was my turn, to first be very confused (because i had no idea what he was talking about!), then later amused..(because i realized he thought version was virgin!). It's almost like he's decided to gimme a lil gem on each visit. This visit to delhi, I was on the treadmill when he came over to say hello."You're looking very fresh," I said pointing out the obvious. "Fresher kahaan sir.. dus saal se gymming kar raha hoon!". Mental giggle! Again, he is a very sweet guy...and i noticed he simply catches a word or a phrase from a sentence and then goes on talking! on the bright side, there's never a dull moment in the gym!

Good times!

P! :)

 

Blah!

Only a few episodes old, and its already my favorite show on tv! That I anchor the show, may only be clouding my judgement slightly, but that doesn't take away from the fact that BLAH is after all, a fun show!

Watch Blah! Saturdays 11 pm and Sundays at 8.30 pm on Headlines Today!

:) Paras!

The wedding!

I admit its crazy! 

But it's not crazy because the channels want to intrude the wedding of Sania and Shoaibh. It's crazy because just about anything on the Shoania (as Headlines today insists on calling them!) seems to be getting whats called in the business "numbers". 

English translation: it's selling!

Their house in hyderabad is nothing more than ordinary. If this country had produced more female tennis stars, there's a good chance that our dear Sania wouldn't merit this much attention. And had shoaib mirza been blessed with that thing called common sense, he probably wouldn't have married Ayesha (appajan or begum still unclear!) on the phone)

I mean ..what could possibly be the circumstance that would make a couple get married on the phone. Green card, yes. Citizenship, yes. Want- to -indulge- in- fraud- and- need - to - be- married- for- it, yes. But other than that, which couple in agrreable mental health want to commit to each other for the rest of their life over the phone. what if the networks bad? What if the call gets disconnected after the second quabool...What if you've accidentally dialled the wrong number?!!!! Haha! or is that exactly what happened?

I have to admit, When this thing started, I was convinced the Ayesha woman was a fraud. Seeing it through the end, I'm convinced it's not that she's cunning, it's that he's nothing short of stupid! She'd my wife (he said in archive interviews), who is she (he said on live tv), she's like my appajan (he said soon after), talaq talaq talaq (he said fially putting it all to an end. So what if he did divorce his "sister"!

Call us pessimists, but none of my colleagues from the media seem to give this wedding more than a year. Some whose marital lives aren't going particularly well are willing to even trim it down to 6 months. Theories even include "Sania's doing this because she has tax liabilities and she needs to show expenses. Enter 15 crores settlement) Personally, I find that preposterous. You hire a good CA to file returns and evade tax, you don't get married! And certainly not in the same jewelry you wore for your first engagement that broke off!

The media's milked this cow,  (no , no..not ayesha!) dry... but something tells me we really didnt get the true story. Somewhere between the out of court settlement and the speculation, money changed hands...and the story lost!

Aah well! atleast the two will get to hump their hearts out now that they're married and not have to worry about another Fatwa!

P!

MY superhero denims!

You know the feeling. 

Your favorite pair of denims is beginning to wear out and that t shirt you love so much is beginning to fade. In a perfect world you'd be able to go out and buy another pair just like it in a flash. Only it isn't a perfect world and the sartorial god isn't on your side. Not today, atleast!

My GAS denims have been with me for long. At about twelve and a half grand , sure they were a stretch, but when you consider the fact that I paid about 1500 rupees for them, the deal doesn't seem so bad! How? Don't ask!

Now, these are no ordinary denims mind you. They are Uv protective. They come with a temperature control option and they have a unique florescent gel that can help forest rangers track me, should I get lost on a trek in the jungle. uhh..ok , quit rolling your eyes. Truth be told, these denims can do no such thing, heck... no denims do! but the one thing that makes them soooo good is a fantastic fit! And trust me, that's a novelty! 

Now, if your wondering what's preventing me from buying exactly the fit, shade, size blah blah... problem is GAS in India has shut shop (pun intended) ..and what only began as a dillema about denims is soon going to extend to t-shirts and what not.

Imagine tees that make you look like your in shape, when you actually aren't. Fabric designed to conceal donuts and brownies oh my! What am I going to do when these things begin to wither away? Why can't good clothes last forever. Why, god, why!?

P! ;)

Weeding it out

The weed didn't choose to be a weed. It didn't choose to grow in a pot that already had a more desirable plant in it. The wind just carried its seed there. It had no choice but to grow. Unwanted. It only tried to live. Drank it's nourishment from the soil. Basked in the glory of the sun. That it slowly began killing the other plant, the one that was potted with love, was perhaps not intentional. Or was it?

Is it the weeds fault that its a weed? Perhaps not. Would it be a better living being if it didn't kill the other plant in the bargain? But then it wouldn't have fulfilled the job of a weed, would it now? 

I don't feel great pulling out the weed. But it IS killing the other plant. One that was a vibrant red, and flourished merrily in the first few months is beginning to look more and more frail now. It's space being taken over by another being. Its water being absorbed before it can get to it. The rays of the sun being blocked by the tall stems of the weed. The parasite. 

We simply plant the unwanted guest in another pot. The weed didn't choose to be a weed, after all. 

Of glasses and more.

I wonder sometimes about the glass being half empty or half full. Not because I’m trying to figure where I stand on the optimistic scale…but because I’d like to know which way I would’ve seen it if I didn’t know the psychobabble behind it. Who doesn’t?!

 

I’d like to think of myself as a positive person. Heck, I think I might  even be tipping dangerously towards the “its all going to be great” side of the scale. The tarot deck might refer to it as “the fool”, a card I get very often in my readings. It’s the image of a boy walking merrily, not knowing he’s standing at the very end of a cliff. He couldn’t care less though. Between gravity and good karma, it’s karma that always wins and his chances of falling head first are one in infinity.

 

I remember reading in ‘the secret life of bees’, that people start out one way but don’t often turn out the same. True. I’ve always believed that things have a way of working out. And part of that belief has come from the fact that it’s something that’s always happened. I’m not sure how, but it always has.

 

Back to the half full glass, or half empty, is it?

When I racked my pretty lil brains about who this experiment might possibly work on…the answer flat out was ‘anyone who doesn’t know about the theory’. Like duh. Problem is… its one of the first few things you learn about life when you do personality tests or Type A or type B tests and what not. (I’m type A if I remember correctly). It’s a trick question that everyone knows the answer to. Doesn’t seem so tricky then, does it? If by some stroke of genius you did manage to catch a child before someone spoiled the fun by telling him the rationale behind this lil trick, I don’t even know if his or her vocabulary would be enough to render the experiment conclusive. Assuming our bright little lab rat says “where’s the rest of the water?”..does it mean he’s wildly upset about the glass not being full or curious when it will be. I know, makes no sense to me either.

 

Now whenever I’m taking one of these fun personality quizzes (they never get old, really.). Are you a born millionaire? Are you a good lover? Are you the life of the party? Do you have a penis that all other men envy, …kinda tests…you’ve already figured by the third question which of the a) b) or c) is going to give you the desired personality type. And if they’ve been clever enough to not make the results that apparent…one picks the most flattering ones anyway.

 

A part of me wants to erase the knowledge of the full glass test. In another life perhaps I’d object wildly if anyone even tried to educate me on the matter before I could take an unbiased test myself. Since that’s not about to happen anytime soon, unless a wave of amnesia hits me ( and here I sincerely hope it doesn’t), I’m going to continue being the fool from the tarot deck who might be innocent, but is atleast in the able hands of his dear friend. Fate.

Out, in the open!

We’re sitting by the river Satluj. My cousins, my aunt and I. We’ve come to this exact same spot by the river on my last trip a few months ago. And since then, we’ve longed to come back. On this trip we’re trying to relive the same excitement. If life were a formula…we’d attempted to do all the things from our previous trip…taking pictures, playing Dog and the Bone, Kabbadi…a lil trek. But for some reason…it just isn’t as much fun as the last time. Formulas don’t work for real life.

 

We’re now sitting by the river. Dipping the bottle of warm Mountain Dew in the cold ripples of the Satluj. The water is so cold..that we’re bound to enjoy a cool beverage if we wait a while. The exact opposite is happening with the bottles of water that we’ve carried…that have frozen in the ice box! The water is frozen…so can’t be drunk…the mountain dew too warm. In time, they’ll both be just right.

 

To kill time we eat the junk food we’ve carried. Some chips and peanuts. This is no time to count calories. Carefully carrying back the wrappers with us. My cousins have a little spat and the boy takes some time out to go sit alone. It’s  my job to go get him. He comes. Minutes later he hits his sister like he often does. She cries. She’s consoled…the game is back on track. My aunt is sitting on a big rock. Her pink outfit against the dark rock. The digital camera and the zoom on it..is keeping her amused.

 

Then it happens. I ask Daisy, my cousin if she wants to chant here. By the river, in the open, under the blue sky…the sand beneath us. She agrees, a little more readily than I’d have imagined. Soon we’re all chanting….my cousins, my aunt and I. And it is amazing! I’ve never chanted in the open before this. Certainly not by the river with a rock face so big…that we feel ridiculously small. We’re down about a hundred feet from the main road. The sound of our chanting is very easily drowned by the roar of the river. No contest. But six heads, sitting upright with their hands clasped looking towards nothing…catches the attention of two truck drivers. They stand and watch for a few minutes. Amused, but not amused enough to stay too long. They decide to move along. So do we.

 

The trek back up is fantastic! We’re walking up a dried up waterfall. The rocks are amazing. The thorns are not. I have a few scratches on my legs. Some war wounds and blood stains to earn bragging right back home. We’ll all embellish our stories when we replay the incidents to my grandmum. And if you happen to hear this from my grandmum, don’t be surprised if there’s a crocodile thrown into this story for added effect!

 

I love it here. I really do. I’m so grateful that I get to take time off whenever I want. And that when I do, I have people to share it with.